The Not So Glory Life Of John And Randy
by Im Cheeky Me
Summary: It's baaaaaaaaaaaaaack
1. A Deserted Island

A Deserted Island

"Two Years" John said "Two years we've been stuck on this island, and how many boats have we seen?"

"None" Randy answered looking up from his paper which was dated 7th March 2003

"Two years, surly someone must know were missing"

"Or, maybe they assume we went down with the cruise ship" Randy answered "we were lucky to get the only life boat though"

"Yes" John answered "The one big enough for at least 50 people but you go and pull the release mechanism as soon as you got on" John said his voice now rising "i was lucky that i could jump that far"

"Unlucky for me though" Randy muttered

"What was that?"

"Nothing" Randy answered "anyway it was your fault we were on that cruise ship in the first place"

"What do you mean" John asked

"If we hadn't gone to that gay bar you thought wasn't we wouldn't be in this mess" Randy answered

"It was you who started the fight" John pointed out

"Only cause every man in the room tried to get off with me" Randy answered

"So you thought the logical idea was to stab that guy"

"I didn't mean to get him in heart" Randy Shouted back

"We were lucky to run into that bloke in the back ally" John said

"No we wernt he put us that cruise ship" Randy replied

"It was either that or face the New York police department" John pointed out

"Well if i knew this would happen I'd of rather stay"

"What. And get life in prison?"

"Better that then starving on this island" Randy Shouted back

"This island ain't all bad" John said

"Yes it is" Randy replied

"Ive made it look better already" John Said

"You mean that Eminem poster you put on that tree"

"Thats one thing yes" John replied

"What else then" Randy asked

"Well ive not quite got round to it yet" John replied

"You've had two years" Randy shouted

"Well its not like Ive had tools at my disposal is it" John shouted back "any way, we got jobs on that cruise ship"

"Yea, the great John and Randy's magic acts" Randy replied

"God we were bad" John said

"We wernt that bad" Randy replied

"Wernt that bad, we sucked, we were rubbish" John said

"I admit it could of gone better" Randy replied

"It was mostly your fault anyway" John pointed out

"Me"

"Yes you"

"Why me" Randy asked

"It was you who sucked" John replied

"I was alright up until the sword swollowing"

"That was the first item" John pointed out " besides your supposed to swallow the sword yourself, not ram the sword down one of the audiences throats"

"Well what about your performance"Randy said

"There was nothing wrong with my performance" John replied

"What about the sawing in half trick" Randy pointed out

"I sawed him in half didn't i" John replied

"Yes, but i think the wow factor of the trick is the putting back together part"

"Oh details, details" John replied "It's the sawing in half bit everyone wants to see, and i mastered that"

"What do you mean mastered, you were hacking away at him for hours" Randy said

"Well it went better than your grand finale of chainsaw jugglering and fireworks" John pointed out "It was that what cause the ship to sink, and the captain to lose both his arms"

"Well we survived didn't we" Randy replied

"Only cause you took the only life boat for yourself" John shouted

"Well you got us stuck on that ship in the first place" Randy shouted back

"Oh stop it were just going back to where we started, why don't we continue on making our raft"

"You mean the one made out of sticks that looks like it wouldn't even hold and ant let alone two fully grown adults" Randy said

"Well i admit it's a way from finishing" John replied

"How do expect to finish it with no trees, you use them all on that last attempt you made" Randy said

"Maybe we should just accept that were stuck here forever" John replied, then covered his eyes from a huge light

"A helicopter" Randy shouted

"Yes, a police helicopter" John replied

"John Cena, Randy Orton your under arrest for murder"

"Oh shit" John and Randy said in unison

* * *

Plz Review 

This is a little thing i threw together i may doa sequal if people like it


	2. Jail Time

"You stupid idiot" John shouted at Randy from the jail cells only chair " You stupid,stupid idiot, why did you say guilty?"

Randy sat up from upon the top bunk of the bed to face John "I was drunk" Randy replied

"But i was about to get us off with my great defense speech" John said

"You mean going up to the jury and saying Please let us go, go on, ill give you five bucks and a snog" Randy replied "They had to pull you off that young air hostess in the back row. It was only then that the judge added sexual assault to the list of charges"

"Well it worth it" John said

"What getting a policeman's boot rammed violently at your testticals?"

"Well it was the first snog i had in over 2 years" John said

"Whats new" Randy replied "Anyway, we were doomed to be here ever since you said you were going to conduct our defense"

"I had no choice, there were no lawyer avalible"

"There went any lawyers avalible because you used our one and only phone call to ring the cones hot line, believing it to be a red hot instant relief sex line" Randy said

"Well i thought cones was another name for breasts" John replied "what were we found guilty off again?

"Murder, attempted murder, blowing up 400LBS of explosives under the anti-terrorism act, destroying a multi million Doller cruise ship along with the crew and passengers, feeling in the only escape boat under the good samaratints act , incitement to riot, tax evasion and mooning the president" Randy replied

"So it's a first offence" John said "the trial wernt fair anyway, i meanhow long did it last?

"Seven minutes" Randy replied

"And how long did we get?"

"Five hundred and sixty seven years" Randy replied

"You wonder why they bother don't you" John said

"What do you mean?" Randy asked

"Only in America would you get such a stupid sentence, any country in the world would just give life, but no America has to force the knife a little deeper"

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH

"What was that" John asked, clearly panicked

"Oh that was just Jon" Randy replied

"Jon?" John asked

"Jon Heidenrich, the psychedelic penis remover, he's working E wing right now" Randy replied

"WHAT" John shouted "Randy were on E wing"

"I know" Randy said laughing

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH

"I guess he's up to cell five right now" Randy said

"Hang on aint we in cell six?" John asked

"Yea" Randy replied

"That means were next" John said panicking

"Yea" Randy replied

"How can you be so calm" John said

"Because my mind is so slow it hasn't accepted the facts yet" Randy replied "ah it just has HEEEELLLLPPPP"

"Randy calm down" John said, then gave Randy a few slaps

"Alright, Alright, im calm" Randy said "Just one thing"

"What" John asked

"This" Randy replied, and punched John in the face

"Ok settled?" John asked

"Settled" Randy replied

"Now we gotta do something before Jon comes round" John said

"I can't think of anything" Randy said

"Now why doesn't that surprise me" John replied

Boom Boom Boom

"He's at the door" John screamed

"What we gonna do" Randy asked

"You go answer it" John said

"Why me" Randy asked

"Cause your stupid one" John replied

"Oh yea i forgot" Randy replied and opened the small window hatch on the door "Hello...oh yes ...uh huh.. ok... ill tell him"

"Was it him?" John asked

"Yes" Randy replied

"Is it bad news?"

"For you it is" Randy replied smiling

"What is it?" John asked

"You see Jon is a messenger for Mr Big" Randy replied

"Whos' Mr Big?" John asked

"He is the man that Jon is afraid of" Randy replied

"What did he want?" John asked

"Well, you remember being escorted to our cell" Randy said

"You mean the running in our boxers with the truncations and all the spit" John replied

"Yes, and do you remember the guy on the second floor shout abuse at you?"

"Yes i do" John replied"

"And do you remember shouting back oi you son of a bitch say one more word and you'll get some of this do you want it"

"Yea" John replied

"Well that was Mr Big"

"What"John shouted, visable scared "oh god what does he want"

"Well he's fallen in love with you" Randy replied, with a slight smirk

"He's what?" John asked

"He said that was the most romantic thing anybody has ever said to him" Randy replied " and he wants to come round later and consummate the relationship" Randy fished as there was another knock on the door

"It's him" John screamed, as Randy opened the door

"It's ok, it's only Jon" Randy said, and was quickly pulled out the cell.

( 3 minutes later)

"Randy your back" John said as randy reentered the cell carrying a small bag

"Yes, i have more news" Randy replied

"What?" John asked

"I have just returned from my "executive" meeting with Mr Big, which is a somewhat modice name for him, i think he should be call Mr Enormas, Anyway he said he was coming in five minutes and wanted you to wear this" Randy replied, and pulled a small checkered dress with a ponytail wig

"Oh my god, what am i gonna do ?" John panicked "Hang on, is it me or are you clothes getting shorter?"

"Im planning an escape" Randy replied " Im secretly mailing my self to a secret destination"

"Where?" John asked

"It's a secret" Randy replied

John just sighed "Forget that, we gotta escape, now what floor are we on" John finished what he was saying and went and grabbed one of the steel poles inside the window, and instantly fell back

"This bar has just come off" John said

"Lets see if more do" Randy said going to the window, and sure enough the other to come off

"Lets go" John said

"But were on the fourth floor" Randy replied

"Stop whining" John said, and jumped out the window

"Oh well" Randy shrugged then followed John out the window.

( 1 Hour Later )

"Finally were home" John said, and clappsed on the sofa

"Look at this" Randy said as he entered the room carrying a news paper "The carnival is in town"

"Sweet" John replied

Finally ive done this, no prize's for guessing what will be next :) anyway plz review

All the crimes they were found guilty of will be explained in later chapters


	3. The Ferris Wheel

Note: Thanks for everyone who has reviewed either the two previous chapters

Chapter 3: The Ferris Wheel

After a fun filled night of fun, horror, and brown trouser moments John and Randy now find them selfs on the ferris wheel

"Now this is defenetly the last ride of the night, we have had more than enough fun, besides I think im just up to my three dollar limit, how much was this ride again?"

Randy, who was on the oppersite seating area, stopped reading his paper and folded it up neatly before replying "three Dollars"

"There you see, i was right"

"I'd just like another go at the throwing the dart at the card game" Randy said, remembering how close he came to winning last time.

"Well that stall closed now remember, cause the operater is in the eye hospital" John replied

"Oh yeah" Randy said, now remembering that it was him that did it "The waltzer is closed as well"

"Yea" John replied

"I had no idea i ate so much"

"It look really attractive really, like a spinning fountain, though i was lucky i had that OAP to stand behind, she was furious, you whizzed round three times and she looked like the creature from the swamp"

"Im not sure all that was mine you know, i don't remember eating all those horrid lumps" Randy said

"No that was her face Randy" John replied "so is the ghost house"

"Oh yea" Randy said, and gave a shudder, remembering how scary it was

"Yea weren't coming out your mouth that time was it" John said

"I was lucky the bloke behind me passed out, otherwise I'd of never of got his trousers"

"How do they fit by the way" John asked

"Not bad" Randy replied, getting up, and revealing that he was wearing a skirt

"You know, im not sure he was a real bloke you know, they have a sort of skirt y feel to them

"I think he may have been Scottish" Randy said

"Well that's ok then, the Scottish are allowed to be transvestites" John said getting up"What's taking so long? We've been on this ride for at least three minutes" the anger in his voice slowly rising

"Well it is the biggest ferris wheel in America John, so it takes a while to get everyone on bored." Randy replied, who had now gone back to reading his paper

"Oh right, i knew that" John said "Hey, maybe it's those women who have been following us all night" John added, now really excited

"Really" Randy replied taking a look over the top of the car they were in

"No don't look" John said

"Why?" Randy asked

John sign, more out of frustration than anything else "Cause then they know we fancy them, then we'll go out with them, then go to there place and have sex with them" John suddenly stopped " Oh yea i see your point"

"Well it's this skirt it's rather short" Randy replied

"No not that, i mean about the girls" John said

"Oh right" Randy said

"Ok, sexy face's on" John said, and Randy and John put on a face to most normal people would not be sexy, instead rather scary

"Hang on John, how do we know who's is who?" Randy asked

"Well mine is fit" John said

"And mine?" Randy asked

"Not bad, Not bad, not as many legs as the other one, shame about the beard, apart from that cracking bird"

"Are you sure she's a women?" Randy asked

"How dare you" John shouted, who also jumped up "I know a woman when i see one"

"Is she called Ken?" Randy asked

"Yea" John replied

"You fool that Ken and Debbie" Randy said

"Yea, Ken's your woman and Debbie is mine"

"No it's Ken and Debbie, from the local pub's mixed nude mud wrestling team"

"Then why was she giving me the eye all night, not the glass one the real one, and why did the bloke keep pointing at you"

"Because he's Ken, Mad, psychotic and very dangerous Ken Shamrock, and i owe him fifty dollars, he's been hunting for me seventeen years, why do you think i always get sick during mud wrestling week"

John just sighed, and look over the car the were in "Hang on, their not letting anyone else on, in fact, were the only one's on the whole ride, in fact i think the whole carnival is closing down, and were stuck 350 ft on top of a ferris wheel"

"Yea its a living nightmare" Randy replied, still reading his paper, and drinking a beer which he had kept in his coat pocket

"Hey" John shouted, as loud as he could to attract the attention of the people below, but to no avail, as the last few people leave and the music cuts off

"I was enjoying that, reminded me of my Gran's funeral" Randy said

"Were stuck" John panicked

"Well it's your fault for touching up the female ferries wheel attendente"

"Well i thought she was real women" John replied

"They were just balloons John" Randy pointed out

"She had a earing" John pointed out

"Yea, through her foreskin" Randy replied

"Yes which i found out later much to my distress" John said "Look enough about that, we gotta get off, how about we jump"

"What?" Randy shouted "Don't you realize that were 350 ft up in the air"

"You've always gotta point out a hook in my plans" John said, and sat back down "How long we been here now?"

"About seven minutes" Randy replied "Hey look" Randy pointed to the paper

"What" John replied, getting up to sit next to Randy

"You remember that spot the ball competition's we entered, we didn't win it"

"What, how? I drew them in, both of them right between his legs"

Randy just shook his head and turned the page "Look, and article about the ferris wheel"

"Really"

"Yea, not only is this the biggest, but it's also the oldest ferris whell in America, it's all here, illegal death wheel to close tonight, and it's too expensive to dismantle so their just gonna blow it up"

"When?" John asked nervously

Randy gulped "First thing tomorrow mourning" Randy's voice was as nervous as John's

"Oh god, we gotta get off, oh god" John's panicking had now grown

"Oh calm down" Randy said, and punched John in the face

Ok,ok im calm" John said

"What can we do?" Randy asked

"Give me that bottle of alcohol" John said

"Good idea, lets drink ourself s to death so no one will notice" Randy said a took a sip before John swiped it from him

"Oh god" John said, having smelt the bottle "What's in here"

"Vodka" Randy said

"Go," John was soon cut off

"Bud wiser, bleach, paint stripper and floor polish"

"How are you alive?" John asked

"I may very well not be" Randy said, while tapping his nose

"Well this is gonna work"

"What is it you doing? Randy asked

"Im gonna wait for a plane to come, light the tissue (Which John had stuck in the bottle) wait for it to burst, and then we get rescued"

"May i point out a slight concern" Randy asked

"No time, here comes one now" John said, and lit the tissue "Wait for it to burst,Wait for it to burst,Wait for it t, look out"

The bottle had failed to burst in the air and hit the car they were seated in, which was now on fire

"Another plane, try and get it's attention"John said

"Is this a help help im trapped on a ferries wheel, or a help help im burning to death" Randy replied

"Stop your whining, at least were warm now, well hot now, getting roasted alive now, oh shit what we gonna do"

"I dunno" Randy panicked

"Emergency bitter" John said

"No" Randy pleaded

"Yes" John said, as Randy pulled a pint of bitter from his coat

"Bye bye baby" Randy said, then poured it on the flames, putting it out, while Randy just stared at his now empty glass, before looking back at John " I will never ever ever forget you for this"

"Hey, at least were not gonna get burnt alive now" John pointed out

"Yea but were still stuck" Randy replied, suddenly one of the links holding the car broke

"Shit" John said, grabbing hold of the bar, as it was his side where the bar collapsed

"Not looking good is it" Randy said, who was now also holding on to his side for dear life

John slowly pulled himself up level with Randy before replying "No, this could be the end"

Fortunately it wasn't, the other bars held until mourning where they were spotted before the ferris wheel was blown up

* * *

Finally i got this up, i wanted this up friday but i failed so i forced myself to do it tonight, well it's 3:48 am now and im going to bed. Im sorry if theres a few mistakes as it is late abd ive only had a quick readthrough for errors 


	4. A Quiet Night In

Thx everyone who reviewed last time

* * *

A Quiet Night In

After spending two years on a deserted island, thirty five minutes in jail, and a night stuck on top a ferris wheel, John and Randy decide on a quiet night in for once.

Or so it seemed.

Not having a T.V can be very damaging.

John and Randy are now currently taking on the dizzying heights of the crossword in the local paper

"What's the first one?" John asked

"One down, six letters, ironmonger" Randy replied, looking very confused "ironmonger?"

"Write it down" John said

"No, ironmonger is the clue" Randy pointed out

"So write it down" John again said

"There's only enough room for six letters" Randy replied

"You'll have to spell it wrong" John said

"Ok" Randy replied" Er v i z b u x"

"So what we got?" John asked

"Vizbux" Randy replied

"Excellent" John said "How does this help with two down?"

"Fish, four letters, now beginning with X"

"Xylophone, Xylophone fish" John said

"Naw it sink wouldn't it" John and Randy both said together

"You know, i don't think vizbux is right you know" John said

"Ummm yea" Randy replied

"I know, why don't we think of another word that means ironmonger, but only has six letters" John suggested

"That would be cheating wouldn't it?" Randy asked

"Who's to know" John said, tapping his nose as he said it

"Your right there my old pal, let's do it" Randy replied "I got it, Harold"

"Harold?" John asked confused

"He's an ironmonger, Harold the ironmonger" Randy said, though John still looked as confused "Remember, we ate his dog"

"Oh yea, we won that bet didn't we" John replied

"No we didn't, thats why we had to eat his dog"

"Oh yea, bung it in" John said" Wait, Harold only has five letters"

"Well i can make the H, really big so that it fills the first two squares" Randy suggested

"Go for it" John said, as Randy put it in, then stopped

"Well there's no room for the D"

John sigh with frustration "What is the point of having a clue if it doesn't fit the little holes"

"I'll think I'll just put bollocks" Randy said

"Oh come on Randy, lets do this properly or not at all" John said

"Ok not at all" Randy replied angrily, and ripped up the paper "god i hate crosswords"

The pair sat in silence for a few minutes before Randy eventually spoke again

"We can't go on like this, why did they take the telly away" Randy said, revealing a big clean space on the littered covered table where the T.V used to be.

"You know very well why they took the tele away"

"No i don't" Randy replied

"Yes you do Randy Orton, because as you were making your way to the shop with the rent money, you ran into a rather strange and wizardry old man, who sold you five magic beans, which coincidentally costed exactly the $85.63 we owed in back rent to rumbalows."

"They are magic beans you know" Randy said

"Oh yes" John said, grabbing a plant pot from the floor filled with soil, and the five beans " and here is the magic beanstalk, im glad i have a head for heights cause it a whopper isn't it" John said sarcastically

"Well it's not all my fault, how did we get $85.63 behind in the first place?" Randy said

"It' ok, lets just forget it" John said

"It wasn't me, who saved up the $85.63, every week, for the past three weeks and took it four days along, to Dr grady's personal organ enhancement clinic, was it" Randy said

"I know lets have a no talking competion" John said, trying to change the subject, though to no avail

"For a mere $85, you to can have your personal organ enhanced, so that it is comparable in size of that of a fully grown mountain gorilla" Randy said, reciting the advertisement

John just sigh "Yes. And when it said comparable in size I didn't realize it meant an awful lot smaller than"

"You mean it didn't work?" Randy asked

"Well, he enhanced it temporally, but when it said revolutionary new enlargement technique, i didn't realize he was going to put me in a room for half an hour with a pile of porno mags" John replied "$85, i could be watching Friends now"

"Yea"

"Alright, Alright, lets just stop arguing sit down and watch the, Damn" John said, again realizing the T.V had gone "Come along Randy, there must be more to life than tele"

"What?" Randy asked

"Well" John stopped as he tried to think of something, but couldn't "Your right there isn't"

"This is unbearable, we could be missing a late show special about faulty bikini's" Randy said, sitting back down on the couch

"Oh don't" John said, who sat down next to Randy on the couch "Look we must be positive about this, treat it as a opportunity to do new things, so tiddlywinks?

"No, no ,no we ended up in hospital remember" Randy said

"Oh yeah" John replied, remembering the experience "I know, pin the tail on the donkey"

"We haven't got a donkey" Randy replied

"Pin the tail on the chicken" John said

"We haven't got a tail" Randy replied

"Pin the sausage on the chicken" Johns said

"We haven't got a pin" Randy said

"Sellotape the sausage to chicken" John said, who was now getting frustrated

"We haven't got a chicken" Randy replied

"Sellotape the sausage to the fridge" John shouted

"We haven't got a sausage" Randy replied

"Stick a bit of sellotape to the fridge" John shouted

"Not much of a game" Randy replied

"You got a do it blindfold" John said

"We haven't got a blindfold" Randy replied

"Then we'll have to improvise then won't we" John said poking Randy in the eye "Ok"

"Ok, give me the sellotape and i shall stick it on the fridge" Randy replied, who had now recovered from getting his eye pocked

"Here you go" John said

After receiving the sellotape, Randy causally walked to the fridge, and stuck the sellotape on it

"Is that it?" Randy asked

"Yea" John replied

"Who won?" Randy asked

"It matters not who wins, it's how you play the game" John replied

"Oh, you mean i won" Randy said

"Yes" John said

"Woohoo" Randy shouted

Damn why do i always lose everything, John thought to himself, then he had an idea.

"So you think your good at games then do you, then how about a real game, a game of champions"

"You don't mean" Randy replied in anticipation

"Yes" John said

"A see how much custard you can hold in your underpants competition"

"No, though thats not a bad idea, good even as my idea doesn't work out, though this time we should let the custard cool down first"

"And that handstand rule is a complete disaster" Randy said

"Apart from that, a good game" John replied

"Yea, though you do have a huge advantage, as you underpants a so very huge" Randy said

"Too right, may the best man win"

15 minutes later there's custard everywhere, Randy's on the couch, underpants filled to the max with custard, meanwhile, John is by the door, his underpants also filled with custard, but about ten times the amount of Randy's.

"So it's agreed then, im the winner" John said, who was struggling to stand with the weight of the custard in his underpants holding him down.

"Yea alright" Randy replied, somewhat reluctantly

Thirty minutes later, and finally John and Randy have the place clean

"You won stick the piece of sellotape on the fridge game, and i won the custardy pants tournament, that makes it.. um... oh one all, time for a time breaker" John said

"It's ten o'clock now, we could be missing a late show special on lesbian arts" Randy moaned, completely ignoring John

"I got a game for the decider, chess" John said

"Chess, we haven't got a chess set have we?" Randy replied, who had now had his back to John with a horrified look on his face

"Of course we have, my antique chess set my aunt y Maggie left me, i got it under lock and key because it's so valuable" John said, who was now getting the key from it's hiding place, which was behind the radio

"Don't look, im getting the key from it's secret place" John said

"Behind the radio" Randy muttered to himself

"Hang on, what's the key doing enbeded in this cake of soap, some one could take a copy from that, i must speak with the cleaning lady"

Randy, who had taken a key from his pocket, quickly swallowed it before replied "we haven't got a cleaning lady"

"Then I must get on and speak to her" John said, who had now unlocked the box containing his chess set "This chess set is very valuable, all the men are made out of ivory and are worth $100 each according to aunty Maggie"

"Shit" John shouted as he opened the box, and quickly slammed it "Where's all the pieces gone?"

"Pardon" Randy replied

"This is rediculas, there's only five pieces left" John cried

"Well im sure we'll manage, i mean, we are American after all" Randy replied

"Your right, what do you want to be, black or white?" John asked

Randy took a moment to think as he examined the last remaining pieces "Umm black"

"Right you win there's no white pieces left" John said "That was fun"

"This time we play with a full deck" Randy said

"But we only got five pieces" John pointed out

"We can use other things for the missing pieces" Randy suggested

"Great" John replied

"Right, we need sixteen prawns, well were in luck there we got a back in the freezer that is four years past it's sell by date" Randy said

Several minutes later everything was ready, with a chess set that contained a cactus as a queen, a bottle of brown sauce as the king, ketchup and a spider man figure as knights, and several other household items the guys were using for the missing pieces, it was ready, the game which would determine the winner.

(10:00pm)

"Right, this is it, two guys mono a mono, all or nothing" John said

"Right, my move first" Randy said, and reached for the pawn in front of the king, only to have his hand slapped away by John"

"Just on more thing, how do you play chess?" John asked

"You don't know" Randy replied

"No" John said, shaking his head as he did " Im sure ill pick it up quick, just tell which pieces are mine, which way round the bored we go, do we get any money?"

Randy just gave a sigh of frustration

(6:30am)

"Let's go through the rules one more time before we start" John suggested, which prompted another frustrated sigh from Randy.

"Now how does the castle move again?" John asked

"It's not a castle, it's called a rook" Randy corrected

"Why?"John asked

"I dunno, it just is" Randy replied

"What about the racehorse?" John asked

"It's a knight" Randy corrected

"Where's the knight then?" John asked

"Well he must of fallen off" Randy replied

"Not much of a knight then" John said

"Just put it down" Randy said

"Now" John started, and picked up a plastic sausage "This is also a bishop you say"

"Yes" Randy replied

"An he bends sideways" John said

"Correct" Randy replied

"And the queen goes in every direction"

"Correct"

"And they let children play this you say, i mean it's pretty strong stuff isn't it, i mean knights taking pawns, and apparently if a pawn goes all the way turns into a queen"

"John, iv'e been here since 10pm last night it's now half six in the mourning, ive explained to rules of chess to you six hundred and forty two times, now lets play" Randy shouted angrily

"Ok" John replied nervously

"Right, king pawn to king pawn four" Randy announced, then squashed the clock which was on the table

"Why did you do that?" John asked

"Shut up it's your move" Randy shouted

"Ok ok, i know your tactic" John replied "right, attack" John shouted and started moving all his pieces in random directions, eventually stopped after seeing the strange look on Randy's face.

"Thats your move is it?" Randy asked

"Yea, get out of that one" John said smugly

Randy took a moment to ponder, seeing as he realized the John still didn't know the rules, he could as he wish, and calmly took his king, and one by one moved it over every piece.

"Check mate" Randy said

John just stared for a second before punching Randy in the face, which sent him flying from his chair, Though Randy quickly recovered a smacked John several with a frying pan he had picked up to the fridge, where he shut John head in the door.

"It's funny" Randy said to John "They say tele encourages violence, and im smashing your face in, and we haven't got one"

"Thats where your wrong, because we do" John said, getting up, his nose gushing with blood "And here it is"

"Where was that, i could have been watching tele all night" Randy asked

"Behind the fridge, i hid it when the guy from rumbalows came round" John replied

"Why?" Randy asked

"Well i thought it would be nice to go an evening with out the tele for once, you know build a bit of interaction"

"Well" Randy started, taking the T.V from John "If it's interaction you want, get a load of this" Randy said then smashed the tele over John's head.

"Oh shit" Randy shouted

* * *

this took longer than expected, by far the longestin the seris so far, and the best one i hope, at least i think so :D plz review 


	5. A Flashback Chapter: The President Is Co...

After the big bust up last week which resulted in Randy smashing the T.V set over John's head all is now fine and they have made up. Right now there sitting together on the sofa.

"We need a new telly" Randy moaned

"We can't get one until the one you smashed on my head is payed off" John reminded, who now had a bandage on his head

"But im bored" Randy whined

"We could talk" John suggested

Randy jumped from his seat

"Im not falling for that again" Randy shouted

"What are you talking about?" John asked

"Last time we had a talk you tried to seduce me" Randy replied

"I did not" John shouted

"You touched my knee" Randy shouted

"I never" John shouted back

"You did" Randy shouted back to John

After several minutes of back and forth arguing, which only resulted in the two having a punch up, which Randy won by the way, the both were now back on the sofa.

"All right, let talk" Randy said

"Ok. Remember the time the president came round?" John asked

"I thought he never showed" Randy replied

"No he didn't, but he nearly did" John said

"I think it had something to do with the explosives we set off" Randy said

"You think, it was that which made go on the run remember" John replied

"Yea, still fun day" Randy said

* * *

(Flashback)

"Randy" John shouted. No reply

"Randy" John shouted again. Again no reply

"Randy" John shouted for a third time. This time there was a reply

"Yes"

"Come down here at once" John ordered

"No"

"Why?"

"Because, im all ready down" Randy replied, and came out of the fridge

"Why were you in the fridge?" John asked

"I went for some beer then couldn't be fucked to move" Randy replied

"Whatever. Now that your here i need your help, the president is coming round" John stated

"Is he?"

"Yes, i told you yesterday, the day before, in fact I've been telling you twice a day for the past five months" John replied

"Did you?" Randy asked confused

"Yes, where have you been these past five months?" John asked

"Drunk" Randy replied

"Look, that doesn't matter now, we have to get the place ready for the president" John said

"The president is coming round?" Randy asked confused

"Yes, i just said one minute ago" John shouted in reply

"Yes he did you fucker"

"What was that?" John shouted, Randy just surged "Have you been teaching the priest's parrot to swear?"

"No" Randy replied

"He has you bastard"

"Damn you bird" Randy shouted, and grabbed the bird cage and chucked it out the window

John just shook his head at Randy before shrugging it off"Anyway we need to get cleaning for the president visit" John said

"You mean the president is coming round?" Randy asked confused

John sighed in frustration "Yes, now we have to clean, which means you have to clean the toilet"

Randy face went to one of pure horror "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrggghhhh", after letting out that scream, Randy jumped out of the widow

John sighed in frustration again "why do i have to do everything myself"

With that, John walked to the table, picking up the paper which lay on it and preceded to read it

"Oh my god" John muttered to himself "we've won the lottery"

"We what" Randy shouted, who had just jumped back through the window

"Your back are you, honestly one sniff of money and you underwear's round your ankles"

Choosing to ignore John's comment, Randy asks again " Did i just hear you say we won the lottery?"

"Yes" John shouted excitedly, and handed Randy the paper and lottery ticket

"Yes, the New York whats up lottery" Randy said, after taking a closer look at the paper

"Phone them up and see how much we won" John orders, which Randy does "Oh god, i wonder how much it is ten million, twenty million"

"Ok, thank you" Randy said, and put the phone back down

"So how much did we win?" John asked excitedly

"One Dollar" Randy replied

"One Dollar" John shouted excitedly, then realized what Randy just said "One Dollar"

"Yes, you see the draw back in your plan is because we are the only people who read, or have ever read the New York whats up newspaper, we were of course the only one's to get a lottery ticket" Randy replied

"So all we win is a Dollar" John said

"Not quite" Randy replied

"Elaborate" John said, Randy just looked at him confused "Tell me what happened"

"Oh right, you see after admin cost's and a donation to charity, we come out with five cents, and we just spent ten cents finding that out" Randy answered

"Well forget that, we gotta clean the place for the president" John said

"What, you mean the president is coming round?" Randy asked

"Yes" John shouted "Now go clean the toilet, i got some detergent earlier today that i brought of an Iraqi, use that" John said, and handed Randy an orange bottle, which Randy opened and green gas seeped out of it

"Here it goes" Randy said, and left for the bathroom, there were noise's of liquid being pored and an explosion seconds later, seconds after that Randy returned.

"It's on the vigorous side isn't it" Randy said

"Is it clean" John asked

"Sort of" Randy replied

"Sort of?" John asked

"Yes you see it's decentergrated the toilet and the system and even the wall, you can see into the neighbor's now" Randy said, pointing out the damage

"I see, hello Mrs Backer...charming"

"Well what does it say on the bottle?" John asked

"Guaranteed to kill 99.9... of everything" Randy answered

"So what does it leave?" John asked

"The germs, bit fucked up there"

A few hours had now passed and everything was nearly ready

"Now you know the plan right?" John asked

"No" Randy replied

John let out a sigh of frustration "Why do i bother?. Anyway when the president drives past, we set of the explosives to get his attention, then moon him so he knows it's us"

"May i point out a slight concern about that plan" Randy asked

"No time, the presidents limo is at the top of the street" John said "Light the explosives"

Randy did so, and they went out the window with a huge bang. By the time the smoke from the explosion cleared, John and Randy were now mooning towards the president limo

"There the one's who set off the explosive, get them" An officer shouted

"Oh shit, Randy we better run" John said "Randy?" John turned just im time to see Randy run out the back door "Wait for me you bastard"

* * *

Sorry for the wait but it's finally here, i have one idea for now then im stopping this so i can work on something new.

Next up: It's Christmas Day, John and Randy celebrate Christmas, in their unusual way


	6. It's Christmas Day

It's Christmas Day

December 25th. The date that signifies Christmas Day is here. It is now 3am and Randy is asleep after drinking the Cherry last night, which was meant for today.

Even though he was asleep, he knew it was coming, i mean it had happened every year for the past seven years, obviously discounting the two stuck on the island. Every year John would enter his room dressed as Santa Claus, why? He had know idea, and he didn't want to ask.

3:15 am, Randy heard the door squeak open, and a hand appeared holding a tape recorder, which was playing tis the season to be jolly on it, the hand disappeared about ten seconds later and John came in, sure enough, he was dressed as Santa.

"Ho ho ho" John said "right, now this stocking is for John" John took a massively filled stocking and laid it on the table "and this is for Randy" John then took a small sock, which looked like it could barely fit a two year old, and placed it next to the one he already laid.

'Right where that cherry' John thought to himself, looking around he spotted it at the other end of the room with a glass to accompany it. John though soon realized it was empty when he turned to pour him self a glass, not noticing a small button rise as he lifted the bottle "Forget it" John mumbled, and placed the bottle back, which pushed the button back in, which in turn set of several components of what looked like a trap.

Sure enough, John was right, he was now in the air, with rope tied tightly round his neck, and was starting to choke.

Knowing the trap had been activated, Randy had now awaken and switched the light on "Merry Christmas John" Randy said, and raise a glass to the still hanging John

"Let me down Ra.. i mean little boy" John asked

"It will cost you $10 John" Randy replied

"Im not John, im Santa Claus" John corrected

"Ok it will cost you $10 Santa Claus" Randy replied

"Oh fine" John said, "Every year the same thing, i wonder why i bother" John muttered that to him self and managed to take a $10 note from his pocket, tossing it down to Randy, John spoke again "Let me down"

"Ok" Randy said, and pulled a knife from his draw, and with one big swipe,he cut the rope John was hanging by, which caused John to plummet to the floor.

"Oh fuck iv'e think iv'e broken my nose" John whined as he left Randy's room with a distinctive limp, Randy just simply turned out the light so he could go back to his dream of being the meat in a busty blond sandwich, that was short lived though as John came back five minutes later, who was now no longer dressed as Santa, and was also holding a tissue for his bloody nose.

"Randy, i think i heard sleigh bells, has he been?" John said, then noticed the two stockings "He has"

"John go back to bed" Randy said "It's only 3:30am, i said no present opening until 7:30am"

"Come on lets open them" John said excitedly

Randy just gave a sigh of frustration while John started on his present opening

"I wonder what it is?" John said, as he examined the present, which looked no bigger than a bouncy ball "It's a brussel sprout, that should come in handy for Christmas lunch"

(7:00am)

"It's.. It's... It's another brussel sprout" John said, meanwhile Randy was fast asleep "So that's present 114 another brussel sprout" John wrote that on a piece of paper as he said it, "we must have enough for a full Christmas lunch now" John put the brussel sprout with the rest, which also had onions, stuffing, Potato, ready to make gravy graduals, and a massive Turkey next to them "Musten forget the thank you letter to Santa, don't want us to think were ungrateful Randy.

John notices Randy asleep

"Come on Randy, you've fallen asleep again" John said, given Randy a quick shake "You not going to open yours?"

"Well i would, but there doesn't seem to be much in this small child's sock" Randy replied

"That must mean you haven't been a good boy?" John said

"Did you post my letter to Santa Claus, cause i can't see the Ferrari i asked for, or my spider man costume, or my ticket to the behalmers"

"God Randy you can't expect Santa to put expensive gifts like that into his sleigh" John replied

"Well he ought to, as i signed the letter Randy Orton ( I know where you live so don't mess about, elves break easily matey boy)"

"Whatever, anyway it's time, lets get our big one's out" John said, Randy just gave a look of horror "Oh yes big Christmas joke like do you like stuffing" John gave a small laugh as he finished "No i mean what have you got me?"

"Here you go John" Randy said, giving John a small wrapped up gift, John just stared at it "Are you going to open it?"

"No i don't think ill bother" John replied

"Why not?" Randy asked

"Well it's about twenty times too small" John answered

"It's the thought that counts" Randy pointed out

"No it's not it's the size" John shouted "Oh well might as well open it" So John does "It's a bottle of Malibu, a small bottle of Malibu, no an empty bottle of Malibu"

"Correct, merry Christmas John" Randy said

"What good is this?"

"Well you can use it to keep Malibu in, as long as you keep it away from me" Randy replied, giving a small hic up as he finished

"Right thats it" John said, and stood up, swinging his fist" John said

"Hang on, hang on im only joking, iv'e got your real present here" Randy said, and pulled a big wrapped up box from under his bed "Here's your big one"

"Oh you haven't, you haven't" John said as he opened the box "You haven't"

"What do you mean" Randy asked

"Well it's empty" John answered

"No it's not" Randy said

"No it isn't, there a used toilet roll in here" John said, picking up the toilet roll, which had paper covering one end of it.

"That is not a used toilet roll, it's a play telescope, ive drawn a picture of a naked woman on a beach on the other end" Randy said

John just gave a half hearted cough before looking through it " That's good that it's, how come she's only got one breast?"

"No that's a speech bubble, she's talking to you" Randy pointed out

"Oh yea so she is, thick earth you sad pathtic winker, wonder what she means"

"Now, wheres mine" Randy said, who was rubbing his hands together eagerly

"Oh right" John said, and made what was supposed to be some sort of exciting tune with duh's and do's "Here it is"

" What is it?" Randy asked

"It's a self portrait of me, don't you like it" John asked

"Well it's bollocks isn't it" Randy said

"No it's not it's one of mine, though he is very good, we just have similar styles thats all, in fact a lot of people say my work is bollocks" John replied, obviously not realizing's what Randy actually meant

"Where shall we put it?" John said "I know, how about in the toilet"

"That's a good idea, though i doubt the flush mechanism's could handle it" Randy said

"What" John asked confused

"I got the perfect place for it" Randy said

* * *

(Downstairs) 

"Right a bit, no left a bit, up a bit, that's it right there" Randy said, taken the picture off of John and smashing it on his head, destroying the picture in the process "Yep that looks lovely"

"You bastard, it that took me ten minutes to do that" John shouted

Randy just ignored John and looked at his watch " seven o clock, another forty one hours of Christmas to go, im not gonna make it, im just gonna have to blank out in front of the tele"

"You hold it right there, you have to help me in the kitchen" John ordered

"But it's TV's most funny Christmas family accidents" Randy whined

"I don't care, now come help in the kitchen, iv'e get to get the sprouts started"

"Not sprouts, i hate sprouts" Randy whined

"Stop whining Randy, no one likes sprouts " John pointed out

"Then why are we having them" Randy asked

"Because it's Christmas" John shouted "Now peel the potatoes"

"Do you really want me to peel them, i mean their only going to incinerate so why don't we just bung them straight in the bin"

"Ok ill do all the cooking" John said "As long as you do the decorations, now Randy, crackers

"Yes, but thats never stopped me so far" Randy replied

"No have you got the crackers" John asked

"No It's just the way my trousers hang" Randy replied

"Enough of the crackers joke im talking about the things you put in your hand and pull"

"Well i have one of those but im not sticking it on the table"

John sighing frustration "Just get out my kitchen before i hit you" John said, then smacked Randy with a frying pan

"Ok point taken" Randy replied

"Right, you scrape all the dirt off the cutlery, ill start on the brandy butter" John said, and grabbed the bottle of Brandy from on top of the fridge "Where's all the brandy?"

Randy just gave a hic up in reply

"That's just great" John shouted sarcastically

"Oh calm down, because i have some vodka margarine" Randy said, and retrieved it from the fridge

"That's brilliant, but are you sure it's flammable?"

"Well I anticipated your concern, so i added a couple of cans of hair spray to it" Randy replied

"That is brilliant, now table placings, i thought I'd put you next to Paul (Big Show) because your both so horrid, by the way did you get the $4 dollars of them for the meal?"

"Yes i did" Randy answered

"Where is it"

"I spent it on the brandy"

"I don't believe it, you have been no help at all, you have done absolutely nothing to this season of good will, you haven't even brought a tree"

"Yes i have" Randy replied

"Bring it in then"

Randy does so, and places it on the table "ta-da"

"That's not a Christmas tree, it's a geranium" John pointed out

"Well, what ever it is, it cost forty two dollars" Randy replied

"Forty two dollars" John shouted

"Yea so that's twenty one dollars you owe me

"I dis pair, i really do. And look, it's half past eight"

"Half past eight and alls crap" Randy shouted

"Iv'e got to get into my kitchen. Heres a can of spray snow , now go make everything look all christmassy, I'll scrub my sprouts" John said

"I thought you were cooking" Randy replied, then was smack on the head by the frying pan John had thrown

"Fair enough" Randy said, then started making various pattens from the snow can

* * *

(Later) 

"Hot enough in there for you little sprouts, or is that potatoes? Or is it the stuffing? So hard to tell everything looks the same. Good, it means it's all ready, and just in time, the guest will be here any minute. Randy is the tree ready

"Yes it is" Randy replied. He had now added several light bulbs to the geranium "There it's is. Shall i fire her up?

"Rather, get a little bit of Christmas glow going"

"Right, contact" Randy plugged it in as he spoke and one of the light bulbs exploded, setting the whole tree alight with blaze

"Er yea, thats quite a lot a Christmas glow. Shall i open the window?

"Yes i think you should" Randy answered, a picked up the now quickly burning geranium up and tossing it out the window

"There she goes, same as usual"

"Do you remember that electrician's course i went on?" Randy asked

"Yes" John replied

"Im beginning to think i should of stayed for the full half hour"

(Doorbell rings)

"The guest are here" John said "I'll go answer it"

(Doorbell rings again)

"Alright im coming. People can't wait to eat me out of house and home, parasitic bastards"

(John opens the door)

"Hello Spike how are you " John welcomed, and shook Paul's hand

"Im Spike" Spike corrected

"Oh, sorry, my eyes i really must stop masturbating" John said, while Paul and Spike and weird looks on their face's "Come in, come in"

"I thought you said he was being put away before Christmas" Paul said to Randy

"I know, they wouldn't take him" Randy replied

John comes back in

"Great, shall we have a drink then" Paul said

"Here we are, drinks coming right up" John said, and brought four drinks on a tray, with Paul taking a big mouth full

"What's that?" Paul manages to spurt out

"Gravy" John replies

"Gravy?" Paul asks

"Yes gravy, someone drank all the cherry, didn't they Randy

Randy gives a hic up in reply

"Im not drinking that" Paul said, and put his drink on the table

"Your going to drink it" John said, putting the drink back into Paul's hand

"What do you think" Paul asked Spike

"Drink it" Spike said

"Merry Christmas" Paul said, as he and John drank the gravy, while Randy threw it over his shoulder

"Is it Christmas? Today?. Merry Christmas then . That must be why that woman gave me that aftershave"

"What woman" Randy asked

"That old woman who hangs round the place, you know, what's her name, my wife. Andrea, no, no Avril. No, what am i thinking of ? Susan, that's the one"

"Ok, places, Paul your next to Randy cause your both so ghastly, and Spike your next to me"

"Whats' that smell?" Paul asked

"That's lunch" Randy answered

"Thank god for that. I thought i had an accident" Paul said

"Here we go, now Paul, one potato or two?" John asked

"Two please" Paul answered

"No, one" John said

"No, two please" Paul asked

"No, one" John said again

"Ok one" Paul said, and John put a potato on his plate, smashing it in the process

"Changed my mine, none" Paul said, as John placed a potato on everyone else's plate

"Who wants' sprouts" John said

"Sprouts, so it is Christmas then" Spike said

"Now the turkey. O h shit" John said, as he noticed the turkey was completely burnt

"Never mind, lets skip straight to the pudding. Randy switch off the lights" John said

"Right o" Randy said, and switched the lights off.

(John trips over)

"Randy, switch the lights back on" John said

"Right o" Randy replied

"Right, this time wait until i get to the pudding to switching the lights on" John ordered

"Right o" Randy replied, and went to switch the lights off

"Wait, just smearing the vodka margarine on it. Now are you sure this will sub stain the flame?"

"It should do. It's been soking for the past two weeks. Should do up a treat" Randy replied

"Ok, turn the lights out" John said

"Right o" Randy said, and switched the light off, mean while John used a lighter to set the pudding a light, which it did in impressive fashion "Oh shit" John shouted and put the pudding on the table.

Meanwhile Randy got up a put the fire out with a fire extinguisher "Well same time next year boys, merry Christmas"

"Merry Christmas" Paul ans Spike say, then left

"Next year Randy, next year will be a Christmas we'll never forget" John said

"Can hardly wait" Randy replied sarcastically

* * *

This is it. The last in the series for a while (please don't hate me), now while im not giving up on this i just want to do something new, i will come back to this when i finish my new story so don't give up all hope on it. 

I wanted to end on a high and i hope this did it for you, it's my biggest (and hopefully funniest) that i have written so far, iv'e had this idea for ages and didn't want to wait until Christmas to post it.


	7. Love Gas

Love Gas

After a night of trying to woo some ladies, which was very unsuccessful, Randy and John had now just returned home.

"What happand there? I just don't understand it." John said as he entered the house and switched the lights on befoe adding "I made all the right moves. I winked. I smiled – one of my nice ones as well. I sat down very nicely, leant forward, Put on my special eyes and said, "Hello, big tits, looking for some action?" And what did she say?

"I think she said no, Didn't she?" Randy answered

"That's right – no! Blasted lesbians everywhere! They should have labels on them or something! I wasted half an hour on those two,prancing up and down., winking, clenching my buttocks, backwards and forwards to the gents I was going. Look at this! I've got armfuls of gonad enhancers down here!" John said, pulling loads of toilet paper from his trousers

Randy walked over to the T.V and turned it on before replying " I don't think they were lesbians, John, because they ended up snogging other blokes. Those handsomer...wittier...well,basically, those two guys that didn't have a load of toilet paper down their trousers.

"You hardly helped, stuffing a beer bottle down your pants and shouting 'Looking for the Eiffel Tower, girls'?"

"I got a result" Randy said

"I don't call a kick in the bollocks a result!" John replied back

"A free drink!" Randy said

"You mean getting a pint in the face."

"Always keep your mouth open when you insult a lady!"

"What a waste of time! If only i could get one of them to do it with me once." John said, then turned to face Randy "What on earth are you eating?"

"Lard" Randy replied

"You are eating lard?"

"Yeah, well, im hungry but im too drunk to cook"

"All right, Randy I'll do one of my friday night fry-ups! Chuck us a couple of eggs."

Randy leaned into the fridge and threw two eggs at the frying pan John was holding, sending them everywhere.

John shrugged it off and gave a small laugh before speaking "The broken one's are the best"

Meanwhile Randy had taken a bottle from on top of the fridge and started drinking it

"Pass the cooking oil" John asked

Randy stop drinking and gave the bottle to John

"A little dab of oil, my secret ingredient" John said to himself as he tried to scrap some weird yellow stuff from a pan. Meanwhile Randy had now taken a pint of beer from his pocket( Which he carried all the way home from the pub) and laid it on the table, then fell drunkenly onto the sofa.

'Last few pints' John said to himself, pouring loads more oil into the pan. After doing that John joined Randy on the sofa.

" Why doesn't anyone ever wanna have sex with me?" John whined

"Well look on the bright side, at least you're not gonna get any sexual transmitted diseases."

"I'll be lucky to catch a flu off a girl. The nearest I've ever got to sex was when that bird on the bus sneezed all over me this mourning.Talk about the green line!"

"Cheer up, John! There's loads of ugly birds in the world. One of them is bound to do it with you sooner or later."

"But there must be some way I can get a women to sleep with me. She doesn't even have to sleep with me, it's the staying awake bit im intreasted in.

"Hey, I've just had a fantastic idea!" Randy said than drank his pint of beer

"Well?" John asked

"What?"

"What was the fantastic idea?"

"To drink that" Randy answerer pointing at the now empty pint glass

John sighed with frustration

"Only Joking!" Randy said "Why not put an ad in a lonely hearts column?"

"Yeah!"

"Yeah. 'Ugly virgin desperately seeks sex of any description'"

"That is brilliant. What should i put"

"Well lets see what everyone else puts?" Randy suggested picking up the paper "Here we are sad old git section"

"Well what do they normally put?"

"Well he's not going to get very far, is he? 'Gay?"

"Don't knock it, Randy, cuts down the field for guys like us!" John replied and took the paper from Randy "Let's have a look at this. Gay..Gay,gay,gay,gay,gay,widow,gay. Widow! Widow – busty, raven haired, millionairess...gay. Hag on this the gay section!"

"Yep" Randy said, giving John a thumbs up

"Look at this" John said, motioning Randy to come and look "Instant sex appeal! You can get it in a bottle!"

"Lets have a look," Randy said leaning over to get a look, but falling over drunkenly again

"Pheromone sex scent.Available at all good sex shops. This is it Randy, girl city here we come! What do you think?"

Randy, who had now gotten back up stagged for a few moments, then threw up all over John, soon after the frying pan burst into flames.

"You know, i think there just about done"

* * *

It was now the mourning of the next day, and John and randy were now outside of the local sex shop to get their pheromone sex scent.

"Now remember the plan, you go in, get the sex scent and come back out. Got that?"

"Why do i have to go in?" Randy whined

"Because im a well respected, higher member of society, and can't be seen walking into sex shops. Now get in there" John replied, giving Randy a hard shove through the door

"Can i help you, sir?" the bloke from behind the cash register asked

"This is a sex shop, isn't it?" Randy asked, looking visibly nervous and embarrassed at the same time

"Yes" The bloke replied

"I'll have five dollars worth, then!" Randy said, and gave a nervous laugh

"Very good. Never heard that one before" The bloke replied, rather sarcastically

"Shall i tell it again?"

"No. I'd rather have a pineapple inserted violently into my rectum"

"You've been working here too long, mate!"

"Randy" John whispered, but still loud enough for Randy to here

"What?"

"Get the sex scent"

"Can i help you, sir" the bloke shouted towards, John

"No" John replied

"Do you wish to purchase any thing to assist you with your sex life?"

A few other people who were inside glanced towards John

"What are you implying? That im sexually inadequate? Well im not"

"Would you get out then, sir"

"N..no." John said very nervously

"Why not"

"It's a screat" John replied before whispering to Randy again "Get the pheromone!" obviously not quiet enough

"Pheromone, sir" The bloke shouted "That's the sex spray for inadequate men who are unable to attract women?"

"That's the one, yes" Randy said nervously, while more people were now watching what was happening

"Isn't it, sir" The bloke shouted towards, John.

"I wouldn't know. Im not some saddo who needs it"

"Your sex spray, gentleman" The bloke shouted, and slammed two cans on the counter

"I've got it" Randy said

"Fantastic, give me mine! Lets go" John shouted and ran out the door

"You still have to pay for those" The bloke shouted

Randy stood still for a second, then ran out the shop as well.

* * *

After there small embarrassing experience at the sex shop, John and Randy are now ready to go out, and give their love gas a try.

"You ready, Randy?"

"Sure am" Randy replied, entering the lounge area wearing a suit and tie

"Good, let's put the spray on" John suggested, and started spraying himself

"I've already got on half a bottle" Randy replied

"Half a bottle? Are you insane! You'll be dead by morning! Death by sex! I think I'll put on half a bottle as well! Where are those Condoms we used to have?"

"We stuck them on our heads remember? When Eddie 'I'll do anything for Vodka' Geurrero gave us his home made beer."

"Great days, they were! Great days! Not too worry. We can get them at the pub."

* * *

"This is gonna work" John said enthusiastically as he and Randy entered the pub "Did you see those two girls on that street corner, begging for it there were"

" Look at that sexy, hot female there" Randy pointed out

"Oh yea, I'll see you later, im going in" John said

"Ok, good luck, skipper" Randy replied, giving John a quick shake of the hand

"Why, hello" John said, taking a seat next to woman "I know what your thinking, that uncontrollable urge you have right now, to rip my clothes off and have sex with me, so lets skip the talking, and go back to my place

"What do you think your doing with my wife?" A huge towering man asked

"He's gonna have sex with her" Randy said, butting in

The bloke turned angry, and grabbed John by the love spuds, squeezing them hard several times " I don't think he is. He's not capable anymore!"

"You ok" Randy asked, as he helped John back up

"Im ok, but did you see that?"

"Yea, bet that hurt"

"No not that, that woman was begging for it. If it hadn't been for that gorilla, I'd have been well away! She was mesmerized!"

"This is our night" Randy said excitedly

"Sure is, come on. We'll get the drinks and go on the prowl."

"Great"

"Landlord, two half beers please"

"In pint glasses" Randy added

"Certainly, Randy" The landlord replied " And how are we tonight?"

"Yep" Randy replied, while John gave himself another quick spraying

"What's that smell? Smell like the drains have gone again"

"Look at those two there" Randy pointed out

"Great" John replied

"That will be $1.60, please" The landlord said

"Stick it on my tab" Randy replied

"You don't have one"

"Yes, we have

"No, you haven't'

"I demand to see the landlord!"

"I am the landlord"

"I know."

"We have this conversation every night! $1.60"

"There you are, vampire" John shouted

"Leech!" Randy added

"Bloodsucker"

"Parasite"

"Shut up!"

"Right, lets go" John said, and he and Randy joined the two female on the table

"Can we help you" The blonde on asked

"Why, yes you can" John replied

"Is that one mine" Randy said, pointing to the red-head

"Yes"

"Right, I'd better get started, then" Randy said inching closer to her, and gave her a spray with the sex scent "What's it to be, your place or ours"

"Randy" John said

"Yes"

"We better get the condoms" John whispered

"Ok" Randy whispered back

"Excuse us ladies, we'll be right back" John said, and went into the toilets, with Randy close behind

"What kind do you want?" John asked

"Rubber ones" Randy answered

"Yeah, but there's ribbed, there's ticklers and there's ultra-sensitive."

"Ripped?" Randy asked "Who would want a ripped condom"

"Must be for people who want to get pregnant. Well, I don't think ultra-sensitive is our style, do you?"

"No" Randy replied with a wild grin

"Ticklers it is then, what colour?"

"What do they have?"

"There's Black, red, U.S strips, or leopead skin."

"U.S obviously"

"Right, a U.S tickler, hang on, what flavor?

"Flavor?"

"Yeah, there's Banana, Strawberry, Peanut Butter, marmite or cheese and onion."

"Well, everyone likes cheese and onion, don't they?"

"Right, a cheese and onion flavored U.S strip tickler it is" John said, and inserted the money into the machine and pressed the nessorcery buttons "Bastard"

"What?" Randy asked

"It's took my money" John replied, giving the machine a whack

"Hang on, Hang on! Im the DIY expet. Right, lets have a look. Yeah i see the problem"

"What is it?"

"This" Randy replied, and gave the machine two very hard whacks, leaving a huge dent in it.

"Give me my condoms, there two women out there who want to do it with me, Ah" John turned to see the bloke who squzeed his balls earlier standing behind him

"You wanna what?" The bloke asked

"He wants to do it to those two women at the bar" Randy answered for John

The bloke just clenched his fist and smacked John right in his face and sending him backward into the condom machine with a thud, which resulted in loads coming out the machine.

"Look! We got em. Lets go"

"Great"

"There gone" John cried as he returned to the table"

meanwhile, Randy was now staggering about" Come on, John, let me at them. Im a sex typhoon. Hello baby!" Randy said, picking up a chair

"Randy, that is a chair"

"Yeah, bit of all right, isn't it?"

"Calm down. Someone has nicked our women! Oh,no, there they are! In the corner" John pointed out and walked over to them "Were back"

"This is a private conversation." The blonde said annoyingly

"Carry on. We'll just sit and listen, but you better hurry up, we haven't got all night" John said, trying to sound seductive

"No, im sorry. We'd rather be on our own." The red head replied

"Oh, I get it. Your deciding which one of us you want, aren't you?" John said. Meanwhile Randy was in awe at his own hand.

" Well, before you decide let me tell you that 'Tiny' Randy here and I, share the same flat, so don't worry, you'll both be waking up in the same house. Or, if you play your cards right, you could wake up in the same bed"

"Look you have the wrong idea, were lesbians" The blond replied

"You're what!" John shouted

"Were lesbians" The blonde said again

"Is this a joke? Because if it is it isn't very funny!"

"Come on, lets go" The blonde motioned to her friend

"Wait!" John shouted running in front of the two ladies "Look, I'm terribly sorry, i have been terribly intolerant. It's not your fault you're lesbians. Come back to my place and ill cure you"

All John received from that were two slaps round the face.

"Might as well go home now" John said dejectedly to himself

"High baby" A male voice from behind spoke.It was Randy "You smell great. Lets do it"

"Randy! It's me, John"

"Come on" Randy said suddectively "Have me"

By now, John was terrified, and did the only thing he could think of. He punched Randy in the face and ran, ran till he was back home.

"Oh god, Poor randy" John said, leaning against the door "This sex scent has turned him into a sex beast, god, please don't let him come home"

That night, John, didn't sleep a wink. He was scared that Randy would show up in his sleep and do unspeakable things to him.

Randy never returned that night. In fact it wasn't until twelve in the afternoon that he did return.

"Randy!" John schriked

"What the hell happened? Last thing i remember was getting those condoms, then suddenly three weird blokes were sticking inspicable things in me"

"It's ok, Randy, Your ok now, just go to bed." John said

As Randy made his way upstairs, a smirk appeared on his face "Sucker, I knew he would fall for the coming on to his mate trick" Randy thought to himself "If he really knew what I've been doing, he would be jealous for the rest of his life" Randy stood in front of his room for a second, remembering the amazing night he had.

* * *

Here it is, now i know I said that the last one was the last, but I've been having loads of idea's lately and so im starting it up again. Hope you enjoyed it. 


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